Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Thursday, November 11, 2004Argh… I’m suffering from severe mens cramps now and my nose just seems to keep running plus my throats killing me, I wonder what kind of germs my sis inherited to pass to me… jeez… just when I’m boasting around that I’m strong and telling people to take care and not get sick… how ironic… anyway, I’m like taking a break from the books(trying to make myself feel better actually) but ya… a break! Hehe…Well I’ve actually been thinking quite a lot these days and I’m starting to get really irritated, I don’t know why I just can’t seem to argh… never mind… * I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I mean one minute you act hysterical the next moment you’re so silent. Half the time you say you wanna try not to be so dependant, the next moment your actions contradict your words! You say its difficult, I can’t agree more because I know how it feels, but I mean if you’re putting yourself into the pit then stop whining and acting pitiful can? I’m really trying to keep my cool when I talk to you cause I know how it feels but if you’d been more determined and stop giving yourself excuses then maybe it’d have been much easier for me to give you advice. I know this sounds dumb but I think what I feel is hurting more than how you feel. But do you know that? No. I don’t need anyone to feel sad for me or to pity me but as a friend is it not possible to feel just a little more? I don’t mind you pouring to me your problems and fears but can you care a little more bout how I feel, I mean I’ve been in your position and my results are far worse. You keep saying you get close cause you’re afraid she’ll fall but do you think I really mean it when I said “I don’t care anymore”? No! You should know me better than that, since when have I not cared for anyone. No matter how pissed, hurt or angry I still care because that’s my nature. Know why I can’t tell you all these? Cause all you can do and will do is feel guilty and go all the way back to the beginning and every time you do that I feel like shaking you and screaming at you because I simply can’t comprehend why you keep saying “if only if only”. I mean isn’t it all over? Isn’t the past the past, can you change anything? No. It isn’t your fault I started the introduction, but whatever happened after that wasn’t my control, unless of course you knew something was coming but yet you didn’t stop. The only reason why anyone would feel guilty is because he/she has done something wrong. Have you? You know the answer clear inside your head. And face it, you don’t even want to distant yourself from her. Why don’t you stop lying and just tell everyone the truth. Do you know that I always have doubts about what you say because half the time I’m wondering if what you say are lies, and do you know how many of such examples I can give you? After this incident I finally know why some people just get so irritated because most of the things you tell us are just lies! Maybe it’s a way of protection, maybe you don’t want us to know the whole story, but if you don’t then can you kindly just not say anything at all cause the more I find out I’m being lied to, the more I start to distrust you. Maybe it’s because you’ve hurt me once before and now it’s another time so that’s why I find it hard to trust you, but can you at least make me convinced that holding on to this friendship isn’t wrong? I know this is harsh, I know this is hurting but please try to understand I’m being hurt so many more times than you, and what’s worse, I’m being hurt twice, by you. I may not have gone through a relationship but I’ve definitely matured and I do see things at a different angle now. I’m no longer that innocent, naïve person you once knew. Do you know why I can just throw myself at cin and show her my most vulnerable side? Well that’s simply because I know she won’t hurt me. Like me she’ll hurt herself before anyone else and that’s why I can pour out my sorrows to her, but I’m not sure you’ll do the same. You always apologize and self-blame but is that of any use? It’s not your fault you’re insensitive, it’s your nature. Everyone has a special character to make him/her unique and perhaps yours would be you insensitivity, and I understand that perfectly well, you don’t have to change yourself to make me feel better. It’s okay, the way you are is perfectly fine, but I just hope you’ll cut down on you lies. I know nothing will change because you feel to attached and I’m trying desperately to step out but I need time, and what I need most is comfort, not something that’ll make me feel worse. I know most of the times you just think maybe not telling me anything is better, maybe keeping stuff from me will make me feel better but I’ve got eyes, I can see, there’s only so much you can hide from me. I don’t know what’s my point of all these rantings, maybe it’s just to make myself feel better because I’m a straightforward person and I’ve been hiding all these feelings and thoughts for such a long time cause I don’t know how to say it straight in you face. I really don’t want to hurt anyone, especially not my friend. Maybe I’m saying all these cause I want you to know why I’m so mean towards you, why at times I even try to avoid you. I really don’t want to just suddenly burst out saying all these mean and hurting stuff, and so ya… I really pray for a day when all the things you say will be true, and give me some time to pick up myself and learn to trust you again okay… I hope that if you know it’s you I’m talking about, please don’t get too upset and disturbed…* |